High Brow Pirate to Hometown Pastor

One night I could not sleep so I scrolled through the Netflix menu on my TV to see if there was something interesting. I found something interesting. It was a one season show called Life on Mars. It took me a few days to devour it. I was enthralled until the last few minutes. If it is possible for a show to jump the shark in the last episode, the US incarnation succeeded.

It turns out there was a BBC version. It was not on Netflix or Amazon Prime, so I had to get a copy of the show on DVD to see it. It lasted 2 series (British speak for seasons) at 8 episodes per series. It starred John Simm who brilliantly played The Master on Doctor Who. It featured better acting, tighter writing, and best of all…an amazing ending!

I want you to see this show, but I also wanna write this blog,  so I will try to limit the spoilers.

The show (either incarnation) starts of with a cop in our time who has an accident and wakes up in 1973.  You never quite know if he is in a coma, traveled through time, or is perhaps insane. As it develops you see the tension of the two worlds in his life conflict as he is pulled at times to choose between the two realities. In the last episode of the UK version (and in SOME respects before the great shark jump-the US version) he makes his choice. The choice has uncertainties to it and once the choice is made there is no turning back.

This blog entry is not really about a TV show, it is about  the very reality that we want to live in.

Me? I have been living in limbo. I live in multiple worlds and realities and I have felt tortured by trying to figure out which one I am meant to live in. In my lost journey I have not really considered the reality I want to live in. Choosing to live in that world will mean saying good bye to the other worlds, and there is always the possibility that there was a singular designed path and choice is an illusion and this leap of faith off the ledge will result in a giant splat at the bottom as opposed to a flight of freedom.

I have lost myself somewhere along the way in my journey. I am always trying to build up the church of LifeBridge, I have tried to improve YASO. I have tried to initiate bridges that will benefit the community. Heck, I have even aided others into their own dreams and callings. My quest for justice and ministering to others has left me un-ministered to living in multiple worlds but not fully immersed into any of them. Here is the thing…LifeBridge HAS been built and it is just wonderful as it is. YASO too. It is not my place to make the dreams of others come true. I am not Santa Clause, Jesus Christ, Superman, or even the Doctor. I am Pat Green.

In them all are duties, responsibilities, problems, joys, hopes, and dreams. But there are subtle differences and there are communities that love on different scales.

Yesterday I entered into a fight that was not mine and I almost did the right thing. As opposed to defending a cause…I defended me. It was the wrong call…I should have let both go for they are aspects of worlds that I do not want to live in. Not anymore.

I cannot be all things to all people and I cannot just be Pastor Pat. There is also Patrick Green. A human being with flesh and blood, hurts and wounds, fears and dreams, and hopes and hurts. I have passions and interests that I do not chase.

I blame Mondays for all of this. The last three Mondays in a row I have actually allowed me a day off, a sabbath, a day off delight. It has done something strange. It has allowed me to be present. It has allowed me to catch glimpses of me. And ya know what? I like me. I might even love me. I am proud of me. I am not perfect. I have and still do make epic mistakes, fall on my face, screw up, mess up, create chaos where there was once order. However, there is a man with passion, love, heart, drive, and the ability to do some pretty amazing things…and more importantly, simple things that matter.

The passions that fuel the ministry are a part of me. But I am so much more. I also know what world I want to live in. As I take that leap of faith to immerse myself into that world, I do not know what is going to happen, I do not know how the residents of the other worlds are going to react. I do know that I am at a point where I am not sure I particularly care. There is a world that was meant for me, a world where I am loved and accepted. It is a place with challenges and hurdles. It is a place where I am not alone. It is where I belong.

I used to think that getting into such a world took permission notes and affirmations from people and should be done by committee. Nope. All it takes is walking away from those other places.  Be clear though, I am not running away from anything, I run towards something. I run towards the world I want to live in and life I want to live in. I run towards love and life and laughter and tears and I run towards me. It may be a spell before I write another blog again. But I will. Being verbose is part of the world I want to live in. I like that part. It is me.

Off I go.

Recently I was talking with some friends about how tired I am this Holy Week. Some of us who are pastors really love this time of year, but Monday is a resurrection of sorts for us. One of my friends sarcastically replied, “Is Easter this Sunday??? Why aren’t more people on Facebook talking about it?” I think that is part of the problem for me and why I tend to be so quiet this time of year.

We have the usual this time of year. There are pictures of bunnies humping chickens. There are the zombie Jesus jokes that may actually be older than most knock knock jokes I know.  Suddenly, it becomes necessary for everyone to pontificate on their atonement theory while assaulting all other theories on the matter. Then there is the marketing. Every pastor or church makes their Easter service sound like THE event to come to.

***Warning to all people who tend to only go to Church on Easter or Christmas***

We know you are coming this Sunday. Easter is a day when our attendance tends to be higher. We are pulling out all the stops to do 1 of 2 things (possibly both). We are trying to woo you into becoming regulars.  This means we are preaching with extra passion, dressing up nice, being more loving and more friendly than usual and putting on a better show. The other thing we are hoping for is a few extra bucks to do the things that matter to us. In the name of the most real and authentic event in our faith, we are shoveling manure about. Nice, huh? Sorry about that.

***End Warning, Resume Rant***

I have made this point before. There are about 40,000 denomination in Christianity. We also have this matter of emergence going on in the church where a historical paradigm shift is taking place. There are going to be different theories of what did and did not happen the week leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus and the following Sunday. Along with that, there are going to be different theories as to why all of this happened, or did not happen.  I have my opinions and theories…or more to the point…opinions and theories I agree with as I am not the originator. But I do not spend my time blogging on them and arguing with others in social media or pubs. To be another voice in a overcrowded chorus that is singing over and at each other as opposed to with one another is not something that appeals to me. The discordant tune is already causing those who do not want to dance with us to move further away.

On Good Friday, in Lockport, the members and clergy of seven churches shared our traditions, our buildings, and our people as one for 3 short precious hours. In this time, there was no comparative theology, there was no bickering, there was no judgement. For 3 hours the seven different churches diametrically opposed theologically in one form or another were one church, one body, and one people regardless of age, race, orientation, income, background, or dress. I wish we had more of that this week. Perhaps the lack of it is why that moment is such a shining jewel of beauty in my heart in this stressful week.

I don’t like the jokes about zombie Jesus. This may make me sound like a fuddy duddy, but they are not only not very funny, they hurt my feelings. Something precious to me is being made fun of. While I find the various views of what may or may not have happened that week so many years ago fascinating, this is NOT a new debate and we are not as interesting or original as we think we are when we debate online. Often, we appear petulant, immature, haughty, dogmatic, and can sometimes be flat out disrespectful jerks to each other. I am sometimes befuddled as to why people who only go to church on Easter and Christmas still want to visit on those days based on our public behavior leading up to those days.

Really, during this time of year, I really love Jesus and people. Even though I do not know exactly what happened or how it all works, I love that it did happen (or may have happened depending on your perspective). I love people a little more this time of year. I also really think the pictures of peep art is kinda funny this time of year. I could do without the bickering and the marketing to the masses as if they are a target demographic as opposed to someone very very precious. So precious that someone would die for them.

This Easter Sunday I do not have the greatest show on earth. As a matter of fact, I will be saying very little. What I am doing is I am creating interactive stations of the cross in our building in something that I hope and pray is beautiful and thought provoking. I am hoping to create an oasis in the midst of the cacophony of voices talking. People will not hear my brilliant or not so clever thoughts, they will not get the greatest music and poems and liturgies. They will have a time to walk and reflect. To me, what I created kind of reminds me of going to the Museum of Science and Industry as a kid. I get to explore, see feel, and touch and learn and draw our own conclusions….together.

The set up will be more labor intensive than usual. But for me, it will be a few hours of peace and quiet in a labor of love for others. I don’t know how many people are coming. I do not really care. I just hope that those who do come, enjoy some thought provoking, heart felt, moments of peace and love and reflection. I hope we find mutual gratitude for that which we do not understand fully. I hope we are one.

I am a huge Star Wars geek. Have been since I saw the movie (now known as Episode IV: A New Hope-back then, it was just Star Wars) opening weekend in 1977 while visiting relatives in LA. What I like about the movie is that it feels like one impossible odd being beaten after another until it culminates in the battle of Yavin. In that final moment of the battle it comes down to a young man turning off his targeting computer because the voice of his mentor is telling him to use the force, let go, and trust him. He does, and his proton torpedoes slide into the exhaust port causing the chain reaction that destroys the death star moments before it is able to destroy the moon the Rebels are hiding in.

It was a final stand against the odds and it worked. When we make final stands, I do not know if we quite know what to do with ourselves if it works.

At the tail end of 2011 I threw out all of my church planting books and guides. I removed the links to all the blogs that tell you how to grow these things. We had hit a point where Sunday’s were trickling to near nothing…and though Sunday is not what being the church is about…it was also the source of funding for the ministries we do and the acts of love we commit to. It is also the touchstone where we worship together. We could no longer afford every Sunday and we also could not afford as many YASO meetings as we were having. It all needed to be scaled back. But if we did not take some form of action, this would be the trend that would lead to the end. We had lasted over 3 years…many ministry start ups do not make it that long..especially without outside funding.  There was nothing to be ashamed of if this was the end. But we did not want it to be.

I turned off the targeting computer of convention and listened to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me and in the people around me and we rebooted Sunday’s. We changed so much of it and took chances that were not in any manual, book, or blog…but it was in our hearts and all around us. We decided if we were going down, we were going to do this thing right and know we stuck to the vision.

Something unexpected happened. I know that we are only 3 months into this, but so far it is exceeding expectations. On the all important church plant side to all those convention makers…attendance is up and contributions are up. It is too soon to tell if this is a trend or not, but it is nice to have more friends in the room and to pay back over 2 months in back rent.

Something more important than all of that is happening though. Something that was at the core of what we desired for over 4 years when LifeBridge was just an idea. People are laughing and being honest. Friendships are deepening and new ones being forged. People are taking ownership of our Sundays together and that is organically leading to ownership of all that we do and are as a community. There is mystery and wonder as none of us know what is going to happen next, but we look forward to it as opposed to dread it.

The things that we do we are doing with more focus and the things we want to do are starting to see firm plans that could become bricks and mortar. The community is aware of us and the things we do and the other churches are as well. I do not mention that last bit for marketing…but we are known for our love and not some clever marketing scheme or killer program. That was something we wanted all along and we have rather been a secret the first 3 years.

There is still some work that needs to be done and not everyone who was with us stuck along for the ride. For the first time in a long time we are what we are supposed to be and it is organic as opposed to orchestrated.

To get to this point I had to turn off the tools that we all conventionally rely on, trust my instincts, and believe in something greater than all of us. However, since we stand with the least of these…when the day comes for an awards ceremony, I promise that the wookie gets a medal too.

On a chilly November night, some pastors,deacons and hopeful volunteers sat in a room and dreamed up an idea. The idea was to open up a thrift store that would fund the local food bank, provide people in the area with interest free emergency relief loans, and grant scholarships to those in need.  To us, this was an idea that needed to happen and needed to happen soon. To us, it was realistic to start this soon, really soon. To others on the outside, they felt this was a fools dream. On Valentines Day, less then three months later, that dream became a reality and the Lockport Resource Center opened. By the first of March, 2 loans would be distributed to people in need and we would write a check for $185.36 to the Lockport FISH Food Pantry. To put that amount in perspective, $140 buys the food bank 1/2 a ton of food to give to families who desperately need food.

There is a path we had to take to get here. This started as an idea of Lockport Homer Area Minsterial Alliance (LHAMA). The member churches of LHAMA are Lifebridge, First Congregational United Church of Christ, Shepherd of the Hill, First United Methodist Church, Christ United Methodist Church, St. John’s Episcopal and Cross of Glory.  Once a month we meet as pastors, deacons, and a lay member and we talk about what is going on in our churches and we plan certain joint events. Every Good Friday we do a ‘Walk of the Cross’ event, we have a ecumenical gathering every Thankgiving Eve, and some other things. Over the past year I have seen friendships form. We have visited each others bedsides at hospitals, we have filled in for each other when we have had vacations, and some very important venting sessions have happened.

This venture is a departure from the norm, however. This is a commitment and a covenant to work together in a significant and tangible way for the people of Lockport. We would need more than some pastors in a room to pull this off. We would need our various boards and our congregations in on this. We would need money…a lot of it. We would need volunteers…a lot of them. We would need a store, computers, resources.

In my enthusiasm I wrote about our intentions in the local paper and I also wrote about it all over Facebook. Now came the public feedback. Most of it was positive. Some were upset that we had no intention to pay volunteers, some people had concerns over how this would affect their fundraisers, some had concerns about liability, many of the detractors said that we could not do this in a short amount of time. I cannot tell you how many people I know that have had a Masters degree for less than 3 years tell me how I needed to do market analysis, research, spend at least a year writing grants and 3 months bringing in professionals to draft a business plan.

We smiled and nodded and moved forward knowing this could not fail. Well, we did not know that, but we had high hopes and high confidence that this was going to happen. Within a few weeks of multiple pastors telling their congregants our intentions, we had over $5,000 raised. With my amazing copy paste skills we had articles of incorporation that I used to get a fed tax ID and articles of incorporation listing us as a legal not for profit. While all of this was going on a board was in the works of forming.  We had a meeting at one of the churches and 3 pastors would explain the idea and ask for volunteers. From there we had a beginning pool of volunteers (willing to work for no pay), and we had 2 wonderful managers.

We met with a property owner who partnered with us by offering his 2,000 square foot retail space for a fraction of what he was hoping to get per month. That led to a conversation with an insurance agent, utility companies, and the City office. The newly assigned managers found shelving from an ER that was closing and other creative places. Some of those materials were donated and others were purchased for less money than most mere mortals would believe.

From the point we started it was a breathless sprint to make one thing happen after another. It was messy, it was chaotic, there was a lot of shooting from the hip, but before we knew it…we had piles of donated clothes sitting in a once empty store along with a few run down computers, unassembled desks and a counter with no legs. Several of us sat in borrowed folding chairs in that space and had a training session and orientation with the volunteers. During q&a someone asked the question,”So when do we open?” Everyone was staring at me. We had days and hours of operations. We kinda forgot to discuss that. I had no clue what to say and my brain started churning. I knew whatever date we went with had to be firm at this point. I also remembered that this is about showing God’s love to others by loving others. Love can be romantic. It is early February. Suddenly, Valentines Day seemed like the perfect day to do it…so, it just kinda spilled out of my mouth and everyone in the room accepted it was part of the master plan.  It was a day that was close enough that we were uncomfortable, but it was also a day far enough away that we could plan.

For the next week and a half we would be sorting through donated clothes, shoes, purses, and housewares and making messy piles…less messy piles. We would be configuring point of sale software, getting legs on tables, decorating, and prepping. As always, there was a snag. That shelving I mentioned earlier? Most of it was not arriving until the day before our opening! We had to have all the churches announcement a work call that like Restaurant Impossible, would take all night if it had to. In less than 24 hours a bare carpet littered with clothing, shoes, purses and housewares would have to become a store with decorations, snacks, an office and a dressing room for a grand opening.

This was when the beauty REALLY began to sink in and love came alive like I have never seen it before.

A few days prior to this we got some of our racks in and the priest from St Johns along with a small army from YASO and some members of Shepard of the Hill had the racks up in 20 minutes. What would happen on Feb 13th would eclipse that moment of wonder. We had prepared to have our volunteers stay overnight if needed to bring the store to life. They arrived at 7 pm. Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, PCA, and others with no such association all came. There was work. make no mistake. The sounds of drills and hammers set the beat of a waltz of people organizing, sorting, building, and laughing. We were done before 10 pm. It was some of the best church I have ever had.

Why? There was no Methodist, Episcopalian, Lutheran, UCC, PCA, or other in the room. There was one people bound together by a mission and love. We were putting into action events that would be the answer to prayers of people we have yet to meet and setting the groundwork to meet needs that are yet to be had.

I need to showcase just one story, it was our first story of what I hope will be many. A few days after we opened a man and his family facing VERY difficult circumstances went to one of the Lutheran churches for aid. The secretary listened to him and her heart broke for him and told him about the Lockport Resource Center. He was unsure about that for he had been turned down by other organizations. So he went to the UCC church. The pastor there listened and his heart broke for the man. He told him about the LRC as well. But he then took him over to the food bank down the street and made sure he had groceries. He then went to the LRC. I was called and I said I would be there as soon as I could to aid him. In the meantime, the manager on duty at the LRC made sure that he and his family had desperately needed winter coats and other needs from our shelves. When I came, I was able to hear his story and give him the emergency relief loan he needed to get through this rough time. I was also able to give him some solid job leads and directions he could go.

In only 3 weeks of operation we have now helped 2 families and provided funds for over half a ton of food? This could be the best Valentines Day present ever.

To those who felt this could not be done in under 3 months. To those who felt we were not smart enough to start a thrift store and resource center. To those who said it is not Biblical to feed the poor. To those who said we would never pull it off. I have this to say. Nya nya nya nya nyaaaaaa nya!

To those who have fallen in love with each other. To those who have given this vision life and love. To those who have worked countless hours doing this. To those who have taken ownership of this project. To those who have sacrificed. To those that have become part of the larger family under the Lockport Resource Center.  Thank you for being a part of this miracle. Thank you for being the hands and feet of God. Thank you for your love.

To those who needed a lighthouse in the darkness to navigate through the sea of despair, we are here. We mean it.

A miracle has happened in Lockport and it is just the beginning. We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.

Last night I was at a drink-up. A drink up is how some wonderful friends get together once in awhile online. We set up a google+ hang out, grab a drink, and sit in front of our webcams or smart phones and share life for a few hours. When people you love are geographically challenged, this is as close as you can get to going to a bar and having a drink together…until we make that happen.

It’s funny, last night it was slow getting started, but as we hit the end of the evening and we all had to log off, I found myself really not wanting to.

Back when I was still with the Outlaw Preachers, I went to a gathering in Nashville that was pretty amazing. At one point I kidnapped a few of my friends and we went to a dive of  a bbq place the staff at the hotel suggested. I was laughing and relaxed and myself. It was wonderful. But then something occurred to me. I had to drive 700 miles and spend a few hundreds dollars to go to a dive, eat food that was likely assaulting my digestive tract, and laugh with amazing people.

During that week I would have people at the villa I rented and we would have the most cozy and amazing party ever.  The final day I would sit at a table of friends in some out of the way Mexican diner. Leaving was hard and full of tears. Coming home to my family and to my ministry work and the people in my community was refreshing. But I felt the void of friendship?

Why? I have friends here. I have people I care about and laugh with and share with. But here is the thing. I was not making time for them. I was not enjoying life with them. I did not make reservations and plans like I did to go to Nashville.

It has taken some juggling of my time and my priorities. I would be a liar if I told you I have my time life management down. I don’t. I kinda suck at it, but I am getting better. Well, some days are better than others…I suppose consistency is the issue.

Since I have been home, I have made time for my long distance friends through email, text, and skype. Along the way something else has happened that is amazing. I have gone out bowling. I had a poker night at my house. I’ve had lunches with no agenda other than to find the perfect burger and beer.  In these moments, be they in a park or a mall or a diner, there is laughter, there is honesty, there is acceptance, and there is love.

In those moments when I am with friends or my family that loves me, I feel safe, I feel relaxed, and I feel happy. We speak of our dreams and our hurts and our frustrations and our hopes and our fears and our high points and out low points. We share secrets and laughter….and sometimes our tears. It is a time of acceptance and being yourself.  Last night a friend asked me what I wanted to be remembered for. In this moment, I am not sure I want to be remembered for a thing I did, but for the moments shared.

In an honest self assessment of my life, I work too hard. I lack the balance that I need. But I fill the loneliness I feel with mission and work so I can have some value. Here is the rub. I do have value just being present with others. We all do. Mission is important. As a Christian I believe that I have many missions in this world, but even Jesus would pop on over to Laz’s house and enjoy the company of the precocious Mary and the ever responsible Martha.

I claim I am lonely sometimes. Many of us do. But I suspect that is a false claim. I think the truth of the matter is that we, or at least I, do not set aside the time and make a reservation to spend time with those people and be present and just….be.

So to all my friends who I will not name (except for John Jensen since he requested-I love you, John. Miss you, man!), thank you.

Thank you for allowing me to be myself. Thank you for accepting me as I am even when that person is less than noble. Thank you for protecting my secrets while you trust me with yours. Thank you for loving me while I love you. Thank you for still being there when I take too long to make a reservation with you. Thank you for hearing my fears, my dreams, my hopes, and my heart. Thank you for allowing me into your world. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being the guardians of the memories we shared and the memories of moments yet to come.

I love you. I need you. I am grateful for you.

My friends rock! That is all!

There once was a woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears.

There once was a woman who poured perfume on Jesus.

There once was a woman who was about to be stoned.

There once was a woman who was at a well.

There once was a woman who gave birth to a savior.

There once was a woman who insisted even dogs get scraps.

There once was a woman who came to an empty tomb.

There once was a woman who blessed a pastor and some young people.

The latter woman is who I want to talk about.

Several months ago, something I said in twitter was re-tweeted by a woman named Jade Bryce. I had no idea who she was, but I thanked her and found she was a remarkable woman. Yes, she is a working model and actor, a Bellator (MMA) Ring Girl, and has appeared in Playboy and many other places. She is all these things, but as I started following her on twitter and Facebook, I learned there was a lot more to her. In interviews it is on record that she donates 20% of her paid shoots to charity. She is involved in groups like Invisible Children. She travels frequently to parts of Africa many missionaries and “Christian tourists” fear to tread (one time alone) and does real work seeped in generosity and love as opposed to feel good tours. She is intelligent and articulate and often expresses philosophies and perspectives that would give a speaker at TED a run for their money. Where one would assume from the outside a model would be shallow and immersed in the image empire…this was an individual of depth and beauty that was worth paying attention to.

I learned that she would be doing a photo shoot in Chicago. I sent her a tweet asking her if she would be willing to come speak to some teens and young adults near Chicago while she was in town. I made it clear we had no money to pay her and the best I could offer her was some decent Chinese food for her troubles. I did not expect a reply back, but within moments of my posting the request, she replied that she would love to. Within an hour we were hastily emailing back and forth trying to figure out how we would coordinate this in her tight schedule. We had about a week to prepare. I booked a banquet room at a Chinese restaurant in Lockport and invited 12 of the teens and young adults from LifeBridge’s YASO outreach.

The night arrived on a cold winter’s night. Two of our young adults braved the elements in a Kia and picked her up in Downtown Chicago where she was finishing a photo shoot and they drove her from her glamorous setting to our simple corner of the world in Lockport, Illinois. She arrived shortly before the teens and young adults did. We spoke briefly and set expectations for dinner, her speaking, and some q and a.

I will be honest, I had no idea what to expect and what she would say. Maybe she would tell them about what it is like to be a model who is shorter in height than most. Perhaps she would speak about Invisible Children. Perhaps she would speak about inner strength and beauty that supersedes the exterior shows we put on. What would happen over the next few hours would leave me, and everyone in that room in awe.

I will not go into details. It is not my right. What was shared in that room was shared with the people there and at YASO we have one main rule, what is said in YASO, stays in YASO. I do feel comfortable saying this. She opened up with a salvo of honesty. It was honesty about a hard childhood full of heartache and pain. It was the story of a person who faced the brink of destruction and stared hell in the face time and time again and through various means rose above it all. It was honest. It was perhaps more honest and raw and vulnerable than any guest speaker we have ever had. In that honesty, something changed in the room. Every single person in that room knew heartache, pain, oppression, neglect, and some aspect of her story from a personal level. A connection was forged from the common pain and love was felt in the well of hope that every single person in that room is in a process of becoming. Not only was all of that shared, but during the question and answer (which was more of a me too session) period she spoke of real things we can all do to cope, to reflect, and to overcome. Not in the ABC after school special or motivational speaker or school counselor fashion…but in something more tangible that allows people to reflect on the story of their lives.

On a cold winter’s night in the mid-west, there was warmth in a small room fueled by hearts afire with hope and with love. The darkness of night shined bright with dazzling diamonds in the rough. And a pastor was moved by a woman with wisdom far beyond her years.

The evening ended as the restaurant closed. There were hugs and pictures taken. There was an underlying desire by all for the moment not to end and be suspended.  This was a fixed moment in time that could not be changed.

As we left, Jade’s last words to me were simply, “As I remember my time in Chicago, it will not be the hotel, the sights, or anything else I experienced…it will be this.” I had not the words to reply as my head was still spinning from the magnitude of the evening as I saw the faces of the young people I love inspired.

This past weekend many of us have been talking about the need to do more to reach out to others. This has been pervasive and is building to something. I cannot help but think that a living gem named Jade was a part of that tipping point we are now seeing as young people (and old) are inspired to make a difference.

Sadly, it goes without saying that many a church or a school will not invite her because of their perceptions of her vocation. I can promise you, that such a position would be their loss. In the evening there was neither endorsement or vilification of such as that. There was only wonder, awe, and beauty seeped in honest love.

On a final note, I will be purchasing a decoration for our worship table at LifeBridge (that is also on display at YASO) that will be made of jade in honor of her role in our journey. May it be there forever and may we never forget that wondrous evening. There once was a woman who was one of us, and we are better for having met her.

The tail end of 2011 really sucked. There is no other way to say it. So much changed, so much hurt. It felt like everything was coming apart. Friendships ended, separated from groups, projects and schemes were falling apart, people I loved died, the church was getting smaller and I felt frozen.

There was a part of me that was ready to give up on so much, but something happened in the wake of the final death of 2011 (which happened on December 28th), I pressed on and drew boundaries. I defended people that were important to me and did more than I thought I was capable of. I connected with people who were important to me that I had not given their proper place in my life.  I gave preference to the ones who want to share life rather than the ones who just want something from me.

I entered 2012 with many things on the table. The uncertain future of LifeBridge and all its ministries as well as the new Lockport Resource Center (LRC),  (The LRC is a thrift store a team of good people I am a part of are trying to launch. It is a resale shop and the proceeds will fund the local food bank, provide scholarships, and offer interest free emergency relief loans) and the general feeling that I am not where I want to be in this life.

In the midst of all these trials, I found something had happened that I did not recognize. I held firm boundaries, I re prioritized, I did my best and was comfortable with the results, and I accepted help as well as accolade.  Suddenly, the impossible does not seem out of reach and even if these dreams do not happen, I am all right with it because I did the best I could.

LifeBridge’s Sunday gatherings have become a thing of beauty. This idea of sitting in a room with people, discussing the topic and the main passage and then setting them loose with their piece of the liturgy has been a wonder. I do not know what is going to happen on a Sunday as each person expresses in their part of the liturgy what God has spoken to their hearts. But somehow, it all fits and the discussion is robust. There is laughter, prayer, discussion, honesty, and love. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life in a Sunday service. It is beyond wonder and it is just really really good.On our off Sunday’s we either visit another church or have a Sunday fun day and call it church.

YASO. Yaso is making steps forward. In the duo of Dana and I, we have added a third element and that element’s name is Alyssa. YASO is getting a little more focused with less extra stuff and more input.

GAFA is swiftly become a GSA unlike any other in the area.

The Lockport Resource Center has a place to operate that is 2,000 square feet.

Myself and an Episcopal Priest are starting to scheme with 4 young men on a new monastic order in Lockport.

My personal life now has card games, bowling, pool and life shared.

Not everyone has liked these changes and not everyone has stuck around. That said, most have and new friends are being drawn to my world.

Oh yeah, the church was featured in a front page newspaper story and we are hoping it will lead to us getting space for LifeBridge and all our current and future ministries to the community.

With all this good stuff, here is a reality that I do not find as harsh as you would think. I do not know if LifeBridge will survive 2012. I am uncertain about its ministries. I am do not know if the resource center will still be here to bless others in six months. The places in life that I want to be and the people I want to be with that mean the world to me….who knows?

Some rude person suggested to me in an argument shortly before they decided not to be a part of my life anymore that god is not blessing our work or my life. While I could not disagree more with that assertion, I also have this to offer: I am not here to be blessed, I am here to bless others. My friends and I are doing just that and we are having fun and loving on each other while we do so.

The end of a chapter is not the end of the story. Sometimes, what we may think is the end or what we see as a last stand is actually only the beginning of something beyond our imagination.

I got a tee shirt for Christmas that says,”May have been the losing side, still not convinced it was the wrong one.”

We are on the right side of love…and so am I.

Before I go any further, I want to share the lyrics of Wendy & Lisa’s song, “This is the Life”

This is the life
Everyone has to be somewhere
I am here
Testing a dream
The pressure of dreams is the killer
Of dreams
And it only gets harder
This is the life
This is the life
This is my life
Time is the monster
All of us fight the same monster
To win
I scream when I breathe
Fearing that worry will trigger
All my fears
And it only gets harder
(How did I get so serious?)
This is the life
This is the life
This is the life
This is my life
Everyone has to do something
I am here
Doing what I do best
But this is the life
This is the life
This is my life

If you have any appreciation for lyrical and compositional brilliance, you will listen to the song, fall in love, and become a Wendy and Lisa fan and realize that Prince was better when he had them in the Revolution. But I digress.

I was listening to them on my iPod to find my mellow this evening while taking a brief walk.

I was thinking about dreams and the dream of LifeBridge that was born in my heart years ago. When I was in Bible college back in 1989 and I had a dream of starting a church, and then when I returned to Bible college to finish my degree, I wrote the first draft of LifeBridge in a Christian Leadership class. In the class we had to write an assignment about a mock leadership structure for a mock ministry.

Everyone wrote ministries that transformed nations, entire demographics, and generations. It was similair to the conversations I had with people when they spoke of their ministry dreams. Me? I drew a map for a small church that had the closest I could draw up of a flat leadership model while still getting a good grade in the project (got an A).  But the leadership model was not what resonated. It was a church that was less of a church and a more of a mission for the marginalized to become empowered and restored and do amazing things together as disciples. I remember presenting it to the class and everyone being in awe of the beauty and truth of it. I remember talking about it to a board at a church who helped me plant LifeBridge and getting the same reaction. I remember talking to people online in a social network that was once vibrant and no longer exists and people having the same sense of wonder.  A wonder and a dream that moved me.

The pressure of dreams almost became the killer of dreams if I am being honest.

As the brilliance of the dream captured the attention of other dreamers I got swept up in their dreams and allowed them supplant the dream of a simple local mission.  The dream got off to an amazing start. We were helping people and healing people and bringing the Bible and God and Jesus to life to people in tangible ways in a place of acceptance.  We created a youth outreach that is unlike anything I have ever seen.

But then the dreams of others came. Revolutions, changing the church, emerging, being an outlaw, restructuring the map, publishing contracts, podcasts, vid casts, and being a big deal. There are some who need to dream those dreams and do those things. They are amazing and necessary dreams, but they are not where I have to be. I am here.

These dreams took the whimsical and hopeful nature from me and I became so serious. I stopped being fun, I stopped being whimsical, I stopped savoring the beauty of the simple dream that brought awe and wonder and gave birth to this blog and LifeBridge.

Recently I have been working with some of the local clergy, I have been writing a few pastor blurbs in the local paper, and I have been inviting the dreamers from outside to come and meet my people and inspire them in good ways. Authors, politicians, advocates, and models to name a few.

In 2012 we are taking back the mission and the simple wonderful dream.  I will never be a big deal on a national scale. Though I am part of the emergent conversation, I will never be the one steering the entirety of the church in new directions, I will never have a podcast that trends on twitter, and I will never be anything more than I am. If everyone has to be somewhere, I am here.

I am here with the people that exist in a tangible reality. I get to hug them and see them and eat with them, and love them. I get to inspire them and they inspire me. It will never be anything larger than a small mission in a small town called Lockport. But I promise you, it will be a thing of beauty.

It is a place where the least of these feel like the most important person in the room. It is a place where God knows every hair on our heads because we love each other so much that every strand matters. It is a place where there is hope. It is a place where there is peace. It is a place of exploration and questions that may not reveal answers all the time..but even more interesting questions.  It is a place where those who have been hurt by life and the church can undo that damage, find whimsical belief in something bigger than all of us and do something beautiful about it.  It is a place where we embrace the dance of life and together we move in a rhythm that is both ancient and new.  It is a place where art and philosophy and theology and honesty and hurt and hope collide.  It is no longer a dream, it is here. It is small…hell, it is tiny. But it is good and it is something that we can actually invite people to not only be a part of, but to help us form it and shape it because when the church is people, it is a living organism with majestic wings and potential and beauty.

We will never be a big deal, but we will matter to each other and to others.

I like it here. I belong here. The dream is alive and the whimsy is back.  God only knows if this makes sense, but I am about to click publish anyway.

Community.

I am beginning to realize that Christians really have a hard time with friendships and community.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had a really good time with friends who were Christians and at the end of it, we said, “That was really good, we should do that again.” Now, this can be anything from a nice night at a diner over coffee sharing intimate conversation, a night out bowling, a bonfire, or a sudden Bible study or prayer session that seemingly sprung out of nowhere that was good. So far so good.

But in between that nice get together and the next time we try to get together a lot of things begin to happen.  There is discussion of who to invite, and who not to invite. There is an incessant need to give the ‘group’ a name, perhaps even a  logo and a Facebook page. Then there comes a formula and order of the gathering. Next thing you know you have yet another small group or church bowling league with a mission statement, a logo, and a leadership structure with a governance.

Regardless of the tradition be it fundamental or emergent or the almost 40,000 points in between there is one common piece of arrogance. We ‘get’ community and we ‘get’ relationships and ‘they’ (other churches, the world, other groups) do not. And yet, while we have dinner and structured programs in a house…there is likely a house down the block where friends just finished a nice dinner and are now chatting and laughing. Perhaps they are watching a dvd or playing a game or just sharing good conversation. No planned ice breakers, no curriculum that can be bought with the movie to strengthen your relationship. While we bowl in tee shirts proclaiming some clever slogon of faith, there are others there laughing and enjoying themselves who have no mission statement or leadership.

Our churches and clubs and groups have so many structured things that you never have the time or ability to just be. Eventually this trickles into our mindsets as individuals and we are often crippled in the ability to just get together, enjoy each others company, and just let it be what it is…a good time.

Unfortunately we get into battles at that point for control of the vision, defense of the vision, and many other things.

Is it any wonder why so many people outside the church sub culture look from the outside and say that they do not wanna be a part of that? Do we really need Christian car shows, bowling leagues, softball leagues, pub gatherings, and dinner/discussion groups? Does everything we do together that is fun needs to have the life sucked out of it with phrases like intentionality and incarnational? Even if we were to set a date and time for something more organized, can’t we just let it be without the lingo?  Imagine karaoke nights with Christian sub culture language. “We are an intentional and incarnational community seeking to allow others to find their inner voice and be affirmed through applause and positive critique by a loving and true community through guided song and beverages. Come and be part of our community karaoke night and discover the inner voice God gave you.-1 Chronicles 16:23 Sing unto the LORD, all the earth; shew forth from day to day his salvation. For more information please contact director of community singing to enjoy time with our musical coordinator DJ Mike.” Most bars and coffeehouses I know simply put up a sign that says something like,”Karaoke, Friday’s from 7 till midnight.”

Don’t get me wrong, all through the Bible we have guidelines for worship gatherings, things we ought to do and not do. The Gospel and Acts and the Epistles and well..the whole Bible had times where mission and organization is needed.  Sometimes Jesus had a point to meeting with individuals. But sometimes he just wanted to have dinner with Mary and Martha and Lazarus. While there, interesting things sometimes erupted in conversation. There is room for that in life…we need to get past our incessant need for organization and make room for that…without a board.

One year ago this weekend, I was in Memphis meeting many of the Outlaw Preachers for the first time. It was a time of wondering and beginnings and what I thought was the first time I would belong. Over the last year it would define so much of me and then last week….I walked away. Since I have walked away….I have felt lighter and more focused and less inclined toward drama.  I did not realize how much it was weighing on me. I did not know how much this would be a fresh air and I did not realize how many lessons about life and community I would discover I learned in my decade away from the church and in therapy and a 12 step program that would carry me through this time.

So why did I leave? For that we need to go back to a time shortly before the first reunion a year ago that almost made me not want to go. There was a whole mess of drama on twitter. I honestly cannot tell you what it was about because I did not know all these people and I was still trying to figure twitter out. All I could tell you were some people were really mean….particularly one. I did not want to even be in the same room as that guy. But I knew Jeremy was going to be there. I knew the guy since 2006 and I had never met him. Who knew would I would get a chance to meet him again.  Also, a couple who was soon moving near St Louis was going to be a part of this and they visited my church and I had dinner with them at their home one night. They were and are wonderful people. I had also been chatting with a guy in St Louis who I was picking up on the way to Memphis who seemed really cool.

When I got there, nervous as all hell, I had a wonderful time. The online bully? He was met with applause and hugs and as I got to know him I found him to be nice. I fell in love with so many people and felt like I belonged. I drove home in a snowstorm and even had a little fun playing cat and mouse with a state trooper who had no idea how I can drive when I am in a good mood. this type of behavior only happens when I feel alive and vibrant….and do not want a ticket.

Within a week of the reunion, fighting erupted on the internet again. This time I engaged and I engaged in spades. There was division and there was anger and the voices who were trying to be rational were drowned out and while engaged in all of this, I would forget what it was like to be someone new to all of this and being made to feel uncomfortable. I am also more experienced in real war than others on the web.  This argument would lead to some of these people leaving.

The dust would settle and just when we would catch our breath another internet war would erupt…again and again and again. But along the way I would have wonderful visits, skype conversations, long phone calls, and other interactions that were not on the hashtag or the facebook page that would enrich me. I would help people who could not afford a present for their wife, help another person avoid homelessness, and talk a friend through coming to the conclusion they needed to attend a 12 step. I would also share some of my darkest secrets and biggest hurts with some good people in intimate conversations that I desperately needed to get out.

Living in this juxtaposition of unhealthy and healthy interaction was tolerable because the good far outweighed the bad. Then, as we got closer to OP11 there was the bullshit. The arguments got worse and worse…just like last year. But now there was a twist. People were calling me on the phone to tell me about wars between this person and that person and how we had to choose a side. Now, the two leaders who this was about…neither of them asked me to choose an allegiance, but this person was telling me I had to. I called the one person I could trust and I told him everything about those communications and told him I loved and cared about both people and never even knew they were fighting.

I was ready to leave the OP’s at that point, but I had made commitments to the group regarding the reunion…so I was gonna see them through and then be done. But something happened at OP11 that was magical. I was told I made a difference and I had others bless me and enrich me so very much. I fell deeper in love with the people I already cared about. I also had a party at my villa that was very much like the kinda shindigs I have been known to throw at my house. full of laughter, joy, love, and comfort. It was amazing. It was one of the most beautiful events I had ever been to.

When I came back I found that people who were not there were on us like flies on shit online. They disparaged everyone and everything and impugned the character of good people. I defended what had gone on there and eventually got frustrated and let it go. I had changed while I was OP11. The anger left me and no longer defined me. The dust up was short on my end because I was reaching for something peaceful. Then came the final round.  The one that killed it for me.

On Nov 17th I posted the following on my facebook wall.
I’m helping the homeless, why aren’t you?
I’m in Haiti, why aren’t you?
I’m in occupy (place city here), why aren’t you?
I’m running a food pantry/soup kitchen, why aren’t you?
I’m doing street evangelism, why aren’t you?
I could go on….and on…and on…..
If I lived life by your standard of mission I would never have any time with my family, my community, and no time to do the things God has called me to do. If you feel the Spirit leading you to do something…great. Feel free to invite me, feel free to tell me about your work and ask for support, but do not challenge and demand and make me and others feel compelled to walk your path. That is a dangerous road indeed.

From that, robust discussion would occur from people who have experienced some of what I spoke of. 4 other people would go on to share my status and robust conversation erupted on their walls as well.

As the conversation on my wall progressed, someone from OP community personalized the discussion despite the fact no one mentioned individuals. As the conversation progressed, he appeared to be getting more agitated. In a defensive posture I posted that I never invoked his name to make the record clear. I should not have done that, but I paid dearly for it. He moved to twitter to tell me that he was offended. We BOTH argued and then he used profanity, accused me of deliberately being snarky, and demanded I remove it.

In fear I removed the post he wanted removed. I also apologized to him multiple times and asked him not to use profanity towards me like that again. He never acknowledged I did as he asked as soon as he asked nor did he acknowledge my fear or feelings.

As I said, othes shared my post on their personal facebook wall.  One was Brandon Mauser. As was the case on my wall, many people resonated with it. Someone, without mentioning any one individual or even hinting at an individual used the term keyboard courage in reference to people who do this sort of thing online. Many of us thought it was funny. Someone else made some insights on boundaries and was challenged by someone operating under the alias ‘Christo Centrist ‘ This individual was very aggressive and pursued 2of the contributors on Twitter and Facebook.

Within a day of this event…apparently someone made keyboard courage a twitter hashtag and used the words as a personal offense as if it were directed at them and many others joined in what would become something hurtful.

During all of this, an OP said some things to and about others who I care about and after my last altercation I was getting more and more afraid of him. I was also frustrated by some of the things he was saying about me. So I sent him a letter severing the friendship.

Within minutes of sending that letter I saw him making aggressive statements to a female friend on twitter and I asked him to stop. He blocked me at that point.

There were other things that had transpired that included a phone call to my residence from someone stating that I am a hypocrite not fit for ministry and if I did not leave XXXX alone that the truth of my hypocrisy would be made for all, including my daughter, to see. Ironically, the specifics the person claimed would destroy me is stuff I have already copped to on my blog over the last 4 years. This phone call came over 5 days after he and I had parted ways and I had made no public mentions of his name. I had begun at this point to see he had no longer blocked the world and he was saying harsh things about people.

While this is going on someone was accusing the peacemakers of bullying, being part of illuminati, and comparing them  to demons and even ordering friends of mine to shut down their church and resign from ministry.

You know me. I am not an angel. I have skeletons in my closet. I am a hypocrite. I can give as good as I get in internet drama. I have hurt people’s feelings on facebook and in twitter. I have made mistakes and I have done horrible things.

I also hope you know the more noble parts of me and know that I am for real.

Right now, thanks to online drama…there are harassing phone calls and communications to me and my family. There was even speculations about me online from another op that have thinly veiled allegations of sexual harassment performed by me.

My reputation, my family, my daughter, and my ministry were all at risk because someone disagreed with my position on Occupy Wall Street. This could not only hurt me, but dozens of teens and young adults, the reputation of the Progressive Christian Alliance for incardinating me and an 11 year old girl who is just trying to make it through middle school and having a rough time right now. The latter makes me cry and if you knew anything about my daughter’s unique challenges, it would make you cry too.

I am not perfect, but I was never party to this drama at the level that it happened.

I was not the only one. Night after night I would be on the phone with someone frustrated beyond belief or in tears with accusations leveled at them, personal assaults, and I was not the only one who got phone calls of an intimidating nature.

It was time to say the serenity prayer and draw healthy boundaries.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen

I cannot control the behavior of people who would say such hurtful things. I cannot control the actions of people who would call me. I cannot control lust for power and wanted to be the next big thing at all costs. I cannot control people who place being right above being righteous.

This is not the behavior of all of OP. But as long as I was there, I would be sucked into conversations I did not want to be sucked into. I never chose sides, but it was assumed I had. I had friends who are not part of OP that were dragged into this drama and their only sin was having a discussion with me on facebook. And my family…specifically….an 11 year old daughter I could die for and kill for…that was it. The game was over. I had to walk away.

I did not know how much being in this world weighed on me. I feel free now and I have lifelong friends while I was there. It is said (in Doctor Who) that one would endure a world of demons for an angel. Over the last year I met many an angel through this group and I will never regret that.

For those who have seen less noble sides of me on twitter and on facebook. I am so sorry and apologize to you. To those who I offended while I was embroiled in conflicts online. I am so sorry I made you uncomfortable. It was wrong of all of us…but it was wrong of me.

So I take the best of the last year with me for life…but I cast off the title. I joined because I felt alone. I leave, but I leave with a community of people and with love and hope in my heart for future hugs, tears, laughter, and nights around fires with cool drinks.

One love.